The Longest Night

I don’t know what makes me write this….maybe just an instinctive rush that makes me do so….This is not something very inspirational or motivational….but still….It just came out of my pen naturally….

Its 8th November 2010….1:11 AM…..probably a time when I’m usually enveloped by my dreams or else enveloped by a group of friends at my room……but not tonight….for tonight is different….not because its special….actually….I cant figure out why……but yes…something is exclusive……there is no sign of sleep…no sign of any activity that can probably keep me occupied….its just me…..alone....and my mind filled with endless thoughts……literally endless…..I have often been title as a random individual….and maybe now I know why…..for every second..a new thought crosses my brain… Health…Friends…Family….Career….Sex…..Future….Uncertainity…..Alcohol….Past life…are just to name a few….. However, what makes this night collated is the simple fact that I don’t mute these thought anymore…I listen to them….and each realm throws me into a distinctiveness…. Beyond my imagination…above my power……………oh! looks like I’m being random again!

As I close my eyes….i don’t see any black…I see the expectations…..I feel them rising and that sends me tremors across my spine….for as of now…expectations haven’t brought any good to me….I see my past….the dreams that were left incomplete…..perceptions that were never revived…..and ideas that disappeared amidst the practical truths and thoughts…. I visualize aspects that still need my attention…my career….my engineering……my family….I wish I could go back and turn the tide for being an engineer was the last thing I ever wanted……I see my academic chart…..which unlike the expectations is constantly seeing a decline……I find it hard to express…..also being random is getting a part of this charm…or atleast of this night….my thoughts are now flavored with philosophy…. For now I ask myself …. Is there absolutely no room for human feelings in this era of rationalism?.... If actions speak louder than words….then why is a pen considered mightier than a sword?.....Is that it?....Will I always be an academic toddler…for I never wanted to become an engineer…..and maybe wanted to do something I always wanted…say…I could have become a writer….or a communication designer….or a news reader…or maybe an architect……I now feel mu creative quotient being suppressed by the fictional technical instinct that actually was supposed to be explored…..little did I know that a thing that doesn’t exist cannot be explored!...

As the night moves on…..My thought do so as well........I don’t know if this is an escape route…but its value…like the other absolute attributes…will keep on decreasing…and decreasing…until it all ends….

Silence……